Blog Challenge: Day Fourteen - The Little Things

The little things can make or break a relationship. It all depends on the approach of each partner and what little things are being put under the microscope.

Do we criticize and berate our spouses for their little imperfections?
Do we find ourselves slowly getting more annoyed with and less tolerant of their faults?
Do we ever feel as though our spouse isn't "pulling their weight"?

Or......

Do we find things to love about them every day, even on our bad days?
Do we support an encourage their pursuits and growth?
Do we find ways to show them we love, want, and appreciate them every day?

I have heard it before: Treat each day with your spouse as if it is your last.

That becomes increasingly harder to do when you are with the same person for so many years, but the little things really do make a huge difference.

I find that sending sweet emails, calling randomly to say "hello" and "I love you", corresponding on Facebook, and leaving lipstick messages on the mirror are little things I can do every day to remind my husband that I care about him and love him. Those are just daily little things. Things I do on a long-term basis are:

make sure to wash and hang his clothes with care (although I am a little embarrassed to admit that I have yet to learn how to iron properly)

keep food he enjoys stocked in the house

prepare the meals he likes to eat

support his decisions involving church, his career, and hobbies

give him a clean home to welcome him when he returns from work

make myself available to listen to him when he needs to talk

pray for him always

scratch his back and play with his hair once each day

smile, hug him, kiss him, flirt with him, have fun with him, laugh with him, snuggle with him, and tell him I love him many times each day

He has faults, so do I. We could tear each other down and tear our love apart by picking at the little things.

Sometimes I get caught up in other activities and do not fold clothes right away, causing them to wrinkle and have to be ironed or placed back in the dryer. Sometimes I do not have dinner made when he arrives at home. Sometimes, like today, I am exhausted and I do not even make dinner, we order out. Sometimes I am cranky and I get short with him and have to apologize later. I have gas, every morning, and will for the rest of my life. Yes, I just shared that.

Does he become upset about those things? Thankfully, no. He is a wonderful man. He sees my faults and he embraces them. He loves them.

Sometimes he leaves his socks and belt on the floor in the bedroom. Sometimes he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, 5 feet away from the laundry basket. Sometimes he offers to clean the dishes and never gets around to doing it. Sometimes he forgets to take out the trash. He rarely ever puts his shoes in the hanging shoe rack in the coat closet. He tends to be abnormally forgetful.

Do I become upset with him and hold his faults against him? Once upon a time I found myself starting to do that. But a huge change of heart and spirit a couple of years into our marriage swiftly turned me in the other direction. I love his character, his drive, his strength, his humor, his smile, his arms, his kisses, the way he sings and plays guitar, and I adore how much he can love. Even his tendency to analyze and code everything makes me smile (even though it can drive me crazy).

Do we argue? Absolutely. Does it become heated? Not nearly as often as it did early in our marriage. Do we quickly calm down and forgive each other every time? You bet!

Over the past 8.5 years I have slowly made my days more about the nice little things over the bad little things, and it has paid off greatly. Instead of bitter words, we have thousands of kisses. Instead of blaming each other, we have self-reflection and growth. Instead of silent treatment and cold nights, we have deeper communication and sleeping in each other's arms.

Sometimes we may feel as though we are doing more little things than our spouse. But one of the things that was discussed during our third hour meeting in church this past Sunday was the quality of a celestial marriage. Our marriages are not 50/50. We do not consider what is "fair". We are selfless, patient, understanding, supportive, and long-suffering. I love how long-suffering was described. The man speaking called it "putting up with...". Hehehe. Sometimes it might be 50/50, but that is rare. Often times one spouse carries the other for a while, and then something happens and the roles are reversed. But dwelling on "fairness" in marriage will cause you to miss out on many wonderful opportunities to serve your spouse with love and kindness. Use soft words, make your touch gentle, make your heart light and full of love, and embrace the person you want to be with for eternity and show them that they are truly worthy of that role. I am thankful for my husband in a way that I cannot describe. He is a truly wonderful man and I am beyond blessed to have claims on his heart.

So..... what little things will you do tomorrow? :-)

Blog Challenge: Day Thirteen - A Replay of Today's Events

It is really hard not to beat myself up on days such as today. I keep thinking of different scenarios and the "what ifs" that are countless and agonizing.

I took Andrew with me to get Grace from school. When she came out I allowed them a few minutes to play on the playground while I chatted with another mom. Grace was climbing on the outside of the playground equipment. Yes, I realize that is not what that part of the equipment is meant for. She has done it a thousand times over the course of the past year and a half, so I didn't think much of it. I was standing about 7-10 feet away from her, talking with this other mom, when she slipped and fell. She landed wrong on her foot and then banged her head on the ground. Thankfully the blow to her head was softened by all of the mulch for the playground, but she still has scratches from the impact. But her foot worried me the most. Right after the fall she started screaming and grabbing at her ankle, and I ran over to her to check her over and see if she had broken anything. Nothing appeared broken, but she kept yelling that it felt like her foot was broken.

I picked her up and told Andrew it was time to go. He ran away from me yelling "Nooooo! I have three minutes!", so I followed after him, telling him "Andrew Allen, it is time to go, NOW. Your sister is hurt, we need to leave. You need to listen to me and stop running away.". He gave me the same reply and ran further away. I started raising my voice while walking after him faster. I told him "Andrew, your sister is hurt, you need to listen to me right now, please, and stop running". He kept running, so I counted to three to give him a warning that he would be in big trouble. He kept running anyway, so I started running after him with Grace in my arms. I caught up to him and gave him one quick pop on the bottom. He stopped and started crying, so I took his hand and told him "I'm sorry I popped your bottom, but you were not listening at all. I gave you warnings and you still ran away. Your broke a big rule. Now we need to leave right away because your sister is hurt. I am not letting go of your hand, because you are not following instructions right now".

All of this played out in front of at least 7 other moms, including the PTA president. It was FUN.

I keep telling myself that I should have just told her to stop climbing and get down. I also keep telling myself that I should have been keeping a closer eye on her so I could have seen her slipping and ran to catch her. I also keep telling myself that I should not have popped Andrew on the bottom. But then I am trying to remind myself that Grace's fall was an accident that was completely unexpected, and that I gave Andrew fair warning before I took more serious action. I also keep telling myself that getting hurt and being disciplined are things all children go through.

Then I have that voice of opposition telling me that I was careless, lazy, I lost my cool, and all the other moms that saw what happened are probably thinking the same thing. But Proverbs 13:24 keeps running through my head as a reminder that I am called to discipline my children when the time calls for it. Also, just so it is noted, I do believe that spanking should only be used as a last resort, and should never be done excessively, or to cause fear, or in moments of uncontrolled anger. Andrew is a runner, and that has caused him to receive a pop on the bottom a few times after multiple warnings and redirection attempts, such as the time he ran away from me and into a street when we were on vacation.

I was a very overprotective mother with Grace when she was an infant, toddler, and preschooler. I stressed myself out constantly over every little thing I could imagine might go wrong for her. When Andrew came along I relaxed quite a bit with him. I still keep a close eye on him and her and guide them through life's obstacles. I have yet to lose either of them or have them be seriously injured (save Andrew's fall last year when he tore his lip open while trying to climb in the bed to snuggle with his daddy). So in many ways I am doing well with the most basic of parenting skills and requirements. I just can't help but feel like I somehow let the ball drop today, and it really stinks to feel that way.

I know tomorrow I will wake up and feel better about it. I love both of my children very much, and I can only hope that I did the best I could in that situation.

Blog Challenge: Day Twelve - A Day of Worth

I think sometimes stay-at-home mothers forget just how useful they are to their husbands, their children, their homes, and even their communities. I was speaking with a good acquaintance at church today about how some people think SAHMs have all the time in the world to volunteer once the majority (or all) of their children are in school. I wanted to share a little about my really busy days to give an idea of just how much "free time" I have as a SAHM (and the majority of other SAHMs can relate to what I am going to explain).

A DAY IN THE LIFE:

6:45am - get up, get ready, eat breakfast, prepare breakfast for kids

7:00am - get the kids up, feed them breakfast, help Grace get ready for school, get Andrew ready, help the kids with morning chores

8:00am - take Grace to school and then come back home with Andrew. Vacuum, dust, sweep, mop, wipe counters, start doing laundry, and straighten up clutter around the house

10:00am - pay bills, go grocery shopping

11:15am - get a quick lunch made and take it to the school with Andrew so we can eat lunch with Grace

12:00pm - come back home, fold laundry, start more laundry, do some preschool lessons with Andrew

1:00pm - quiet time for Andrew. This is when I workout, plan menus, make to-do lists, take care of other to-do lists, and fold more laundry. Sometimes I might have some spare time to read a little of a book or work on a hobby

3:00pm - wake Andrew if he was asleep for quiet time. If not, help him straighten up his toys. Read a book with him.

3:20pm - leave with Andrew to get Grace from school. Let her play for a short while outside if the weather is nice, since she only has PE once every 4 days (ridiculous), to make sure she is getting enough physical activity in to each day.

4:00pm - come home, get snacks for the kids. Finally finish folding laundry. Help Grace with homework, and start preparing dinner.

5:30pm - sit down with the family to eat dinner, then clean up dinner and straighten up the kitchen.

6:30pm - hopefully I will allow myself the chance to sit with my husband and relax with him for a short while, or we spend time doing an activity with the kids at home or outside.

7:30pm - get the kids bathed and ready for bed, read scriptures with them, tuck them in to bed for the night after bedtime drinks and using the potty one more time

8:30pm - write the next day's agenda and schedule on the whiteboard on the fridge. Discuss any potential plans for the next day or week that need to be prepared with my husband. Perhaps read a little more or take in part of a movie with my husband, but I also end up responding to emails and doing something ridiculous like blogging to give myself a chance to do something different.

10:00pm - fall asleep in bed, drooling on myself and pushing my husband to his side of the bed with my bottom.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

But add in ballet for Grace on Tuesdays, playgroup for Andrew on Wednesdays, visit teaching once or twice each month, car maintenance every other month, and the random trips out to replace stained or ripped clothes, pick up birthday presents for one of the million birthday parties we go to, replenish craft supplies, pick up odds and ends for my husband because he is too busy to do it during or after the work day, and then the times where I actually get out just to do things for myself or for the sake of getting out and doing something different.

Wow...... it sounds like I have so much free time on my hands!

Hehehe.........

So, for all of the SAHMs who feel like they are not contributing, or fulfilling duties, or meeting their potential as human beings..... you are amazing. A job for which we receive no monetary return can be even more rewarding than those that do. We make homes and help build the foundation upon which our families will be built up. Never stop! Your work is more important than words can say.

Blog Challenge: Day Eleven - Friends of the Opposite Sex

When you are single, having friends of the opposite sex is not a problem. When you are casually dating, this problem is still non-existent. But when you start to date exclusively, become engaged, and eventually get married, how are those friendships with members of the opposite sex handled?

Some people carry on their friendships, some people diminish contact with those friends, and others stop carrying on friendships with them completely and they become mere acquaintances. I have diminished my friendships, not because I feel they are dangerous, but because my priorities in life have shifted in such a way that those male friends do not have a strong place in my life. My husband is the man I confide in the most aside from the Lord, and I like it that way.

In most (if not all) cases, however, it is wise to avoid deeper friendships with members of the opposite sex once you have entered in to the covenant of marriage. This is my opinion of course, and I am blessed that my husband shares this opinion. We have been counseled in church before never to be alone with a member of the opposite sex. Not for business lunches, work projects, in your car, at home, or anywhere that can create an environment of privacy, intimacy, and seclusion. This would be done so as to avoid any temptation that might be thrown our way. We may try as hard as we can to be righteous and true, but we are still weak because of our very nature. I see following these rules as a way of showing respect for yourself, your spouse, and your God. We admit that we are weak, that we need help and guidance, and that these suggestions can help us to avoid temptations that we may one day not be able to resist in our weakness.

I am certainly not saying that we should avoid any form of civility, communication, or acquaintance, as some opponents of this idea would say. Rather, we condition ourselves to be aware and on guard of the things the Adversary would want us to do. I think it all comes down to listening to the Spirit and using common sense.

Tonight I went to the store alone to get something for Bryan's Sunday school class. As I was leaving I ran in to the father of one of the girls from Grace's school. We stopped and chatted about how the kids were doing, what on Earth we were doing at the store at 9pm on a Saturday, and more about the kids. This conversation lasted about 15 minutes, and then we said good-bye and carried on our separate ways. Had this happened in a less public place I would have made the conversation shorter, because I tend to become uneasy around men in conversation when there are a lack of "witnesses", if you will. It seemed rather harmless to me, but I know that prying eyes and suspicious minds would allow themselves to think otherwise.

This leads to another thought:

What do you do to get out of an uncomfortable situation with a member of the opposite sex?

The few times it has happened to me over the last 8 years of being with Bryan, I always started talking about my husband and my children. It works like a charm every time. I have used the gospel a few times as a backup to stop an awkward conversation, and that has worked very well. I also take it upon myself to tell my husband about anything I encounter that would seem inappropriate, awkward, or uncomfortable. It helps me to let him know that I trust him with everything in my life, and that I am making choices that would honor our marriage and my integrity.

But I want to know...... what do YOU do? How do YOU do it?

Blog Challenge: Day Ten - Self Esteem and Service

I have been re-learning that self esteem and service go hand in hand. The questions I have asked myself after reading a church talk sent to me by the bishop are:

Do I pray enough for my confidence in myself to increase?
Do I love myself enough to do good for myself?
Do I love others enough to share the goodness of myself with them, even if they are strangers?
Do I love the Lord enough to trust that I truly have a purpose in His plan?

When I am not caught up in my own self-destructive thought patterns, I rejoice in acts of service. I find peace and resourcefulness in making meals for others, watching other people's children or pets, sending words of encouragement to those people who are conflicted, and nursing those who are wounded or sick. One thing I learned today is that self esteem can be seen as inner-peace, humility, and strength all tied together. I also learned that faith, hope, and charity are the cement of a confident foundation (which I have heard through instruction many times over the years, but have too often tossed aside in the turmoil of daily life).

Today really was a beautiful day. Aside from pleasing weather, happy company, and cheerful business at home, I felt uplifted and inspired by the words James E. Faust spoke to encourage a soul search for higher self esteem and a deeper understanding of self worth.

So the concept of strong self esteem ties in to our love for God, ourselves, and others. If one is weak, the others weaken with it. My weak love for myself has made my progress in those other areas slow over the years. But a lesson once learned can help any reasonable person to overcome the next hurdle. I feel stronger and more confident than I did yesterday. If tomorrow I feel stronger and more confident than today, I have made double the accomplishment. I sincerely hope that each of you can do the same in any way, large or small.

God bless you, and have a good night!

Blog Challenge: Day Nine - Creativity at Work

One of the things I blogged about was attempting to pick up new hobbies or refresh old ones. I did that today with a few things, and I wanted to share my experience on them.

I decided to start making wreaths again. I did this when Grace was a baby, but then I dropped it for work, then school, then home school. Something as simple as snapping the wire in a silk flower with wire cutters can feel liberating! I had to plan the layout for a Fall wreath and a Holiday wreath. They were simple wicker wreaths, so I covered them with different flowers and leaves to create a loose sort of pattern that would coordinate colors and draw attention. The finished product turned out well, and I felt satisfied afterwards.

My next endeavor was to start pastel sketching again. I had not done this since high school, but it was something I used to do quite often to capture moments in time and to get my thoughts out. Don't start believing that I am a "good" artist. I am by no means professional, and I think my stick figures look better than my shadings. But I love using pastels nonetheless, so I sat down with a drawing pad and my old art kit. I sketched a vase full of flowers that sits on my dining table, and then filled it in with the pastels. I was enjoying myself so much that I lost track of time and I had to sprint with Andrew to the school to get Grace on time. Is this a bad thing???? I will post a picture of it if it turns out to be in demand. :-)

I tried working on sewing some elastic into some of Grace's dresses today, but the bobbin is being stubborn and making bird's nests, so I am going to tinker with it a bit in the morning, and then take it in for repair if I cannot fix the problem myself. Bryan told me to fix the problem with a hammer..... I would, just to satisfy my annoyance with "modern" things that break constantly, but then I would have to spend money on a new machine. So the alternative is that I will have to channel my annoyance through other healthy means (such as blogging) and then patiently troubleshoot my hunk of junk.

I am coming to the chapter in Pride and Prejudice where Mr. Collins proposes to Elizabeth. Those of you who have read the book or seen either the BBC series or the less worthy new movie, please help me out. He. Is. CREEPY. I can't wait to read her refusal and read about him LEAVING.

With all of the attempts at increasing talents, I have been noticing that I am hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit more. It is a great comfort to me to know that the Holy Spirit will be a strong companion if I continue to build up my talents and my gifts. The things I am trying to build up are good things that provoke thought, creativity, patience, and consistency. I am thankful for the opportunity to build these things up, and I am even more thankful for the stronger presence of the Holy Spirit in my life as of late.

I want to close tonight's blog with a scripture reference:

Moroni 10:5 - And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

Thank you for following my blog and encouraging me on my journey. Have a good evening!

Blog Challenge: Day Eight - When Days Are Good...

I do not struggle so much with my confidence and positivity when days are good, such as today. It is when days are hard or bad that my strength is tested and often fails. One thing that I can always be remembered is that I would handle the hard days better if I kept the same high spirits and positivity that I have on good days.

I took the big step yesterday and had a meeting with the bishop. It went very well, and I took his counsel seriously. I have faith that I will eventually overcome these struggles of mine. But I also know that they will never go away completely. Instead, I will learn to lighten my load by exercising my ability to strengthen myself. This journey of self-reflection and improvement is helping me to see ways that I can strengthen myself, and I am utilizing those tools now. Attaching myself more personally to scripture stories, seeking more guidance for myself in prayer, continue to increase my talents and my knowledge, acquire more hobbies, and surround myself with positive people.

Even something as simple as reading more of the books I like is helping me to boost my awareness and find a more solid foundation. I am reading Jane Austen again, and the wit and propriety always entertains me and removes me from my daily life for a little while.

So today is just another reflection on what I have been doing and what I can do to help myself become a more confident, grounded person. I am looking forward to Andrew's preschool days, where I can take some meditation and yoga classes, teach myself a musical instrument, learn something new, and increase my skill so I can be a better example. I will miss him just as I miss Grace while she is in school. But I know after praying and considering my situation, it will be a big step forward for me to fill some of my time with enriching myself so I can be a better example and be of better service to myself and my family.

I am excited about what is to come, and I might call on some of you to join me in some of my new (or long-forgotten) endeavors!