Bryan was so sweet today. He bought me some new pots and pans, and then he wanted to accompany me to go buy some new clothes. That was our date night tonight, he came with me to go clothes shopping. I found out that he and I have very similar tastes in women's clothing. Cute and flattering, yet modest, is what we both like. Thank goodness! I have been telling myself for a while that I needed to bite the bullet and spend more on high-quality clothes. I did that tonight. I found some figure-flattering clothes that were within my style-realm, that will stay in nice condition for a while. I am even going to get some pieces tailored to my shape, for the first time ever. It felt nice to think of myself as someone who deserves to have nice things and is worth the money spent on them. I have always felt guilt about spending more than the absolute minimum, wholesale, clearance price on myself.
But my bigger accomplishment was in my conversations and my willingness to trust others today. I confessed some things to my husband from my child-hood that I would have never told another soul, ever. He took it so well and he was very understanding and compassionate. Then it opened the door to him being more open with me, which is something I have been wanting for years! So in trusting him with my secrets, I was able to accomplish two things I have been working towards. I was able to allow myself to trust him more, and I was able to get him to open up a little more as well. Not only that, but I trusted myself enough to tell him these things. They are all connected to how I react and feel now anyway, so it is amazingly therapeutic to just speak the words to someone I love and feel safe around.
I took another really big step today by having a conversation with my bishop about my need to heal and move forward. I am excited and nervous about our next meeting, where I will give him details about how I have been feeling and what I want to achieve. I have taken some recent advice to heart where my bishop is concerned. I did not have a strong father-figure growing up, and my father is still not the kind of person I would want to open up to and seek guidance from. So I am looking to the spiritual father of my ward (church) for help. I can either seek counsel from him, or I can go see a counselor from church services later on. If both are needed, then I will do both.
This is such a big step for me, and I am looking forward to what will happen next. I was very honest with my husband today about the reasons I have a hard time trusting him, and my struggles with my confidence. I have never felt pretty enough, smart enough, or talented enough for one man to devote all of his attention to me and only me. I have always felt that my worth was so little, that another more attractive and magnetic woman in the room could easily steal the attention of my partner away from me. There were some things that happened early in my marriage that made me think my negative image of myself had been justified. I did not confront those feelings properly. Instead, I hid them away and buried myself in daily family life. But I have been taking little steps forward to address those issues, and I am anxiously awaiting what this next week will bring my way.
All in all, I do not think there were any setbacks in my progress today, and I am happy with the way the day has gone. I feel a little closer to my husband after our conversations today, and that is making a bigger difference than I thought it would.
You're very blessed, Jacque. I do not feel safe around the man I love, which makes it infinitely more difficult to deal with things that would otherwise already be difficult in and of themselves. I truly hope I can figure out an effective way to connect with my husband in ways which will ultimately be a relief, rather than feeling forced to talk and uneasy about being so vulnerable afterward. I'm glad that you're progressing. :)
ReplyDeleteSome days I struggle with opening up to my husband. Things have gotten better over our years of marriage but I still find myself feeling like I'm stupid when I try to tell him things. He is very strong, confident, sure person and that overwhelms me sometimes. The thing I love about him also intimidates me. I suffered for a long time with feeling like everyone woman but me attracted him, although this wasn't the case. I quickly learned that I repulsed myself so much I couldn't imagine anyone seeing me any other way. This past year I have changed a good bit, I am still struggling, I am still learning but things are getting better!
ReplyDeleteJacque, I am humbled. Only through reading your progress to date did I really take a good hard look at myself. I also struggle from trust problems....I trust when I should question. I supposed this isn't truly trust. It is denial. Your personal journey, only 4 days along, has already resulted in touching another along the way...the mother that contributed to your struggle. As is so often the case, I thought I compensated for a fault (the fighting with your father) by putting what energy I had left into making life as normal for y'all as I could. In the end, I neglected myself, thereby leaving my faults unresolved and not achieving what I thought I was with y'all. I love you. You're ability to take this journey in public has prompted me to do something I've thought of doing many times....sitting down and writing. I don't have the confidence to take my journey in publical at this point and am writing privately.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I can't really relate, and don't have much to offer, I wanted to let you know I am reading and thinking of you. I think you are great!
ReplyDeleteLove you Jacque! I miss seeing you. Doesn't seem to ever work out to get together. Just wanted to let you know I support you, baby!
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